Always thinking; never sleeping

It's funny the way my writings reflect my life, before it even happens.. I guess the saying, "life imitates art" is indeed a true statement. I'm hoping things will turn around soon. In the meantime, I continue to write it out

"Everyone's asleep, but me. I'm up wondering where you could be… not here I fear, obviously. I just lie awake, staring at my ceiling; I can't shake this feeling. I want you, but you don't want me. At least not at the same intensity. You're electrifying; hypnotizing. It's so terrifying, but there's no denying, I'd only be lying, if I said I'm not lonely. Just wishing you'd hold me, instead of leaving me coldly.

I adore you, but I feel like I bore you. I hang on to every word that you say. So when you stop speaking, I start to question if everything is OK. Our conversations on replay.  Do you think I'm worth keeping? Or is it someone else you'd rather be sleeping. Paranoid; is it me you're trying to avoid? Is it her that you're kissing, while it's your lips I'm missing?

Please understand… it wasn't part of my plan, yet here I stand, waiting; anticipating. I start pacing. My mind is racing. You're intoxicating. I'm not crazy. You stimulate me. It drives me mad and then I feel bad, thinking you're angry, when you're not. This is the plot; the plot to our story. I'm going to worry. I have a history with pain and misery, that leaves me leery of anything good, so please don't close our book… there are chapters unwritten; so I will admit it, I'm smitten… you are the prize, so I'm figuring out the price to be part of your life. You have me inflicted; maybe even addicted... And so, I can't stop."

Fallen Again

I went against my plan. I convinced myself to chance. As usual though, it blew up in my face. I don't know why I tried in the first place. I took the risk, but this love was brisk. You can't deny the obvious decline. I call your bluff, because I'm clearly not good enough.. Or maybe I was just too much.

I wonder though, what have I done wrong? One minute we were fine, the next there's a problem. You said I was important, that I was a priority, but the things you say are different from what I see. The problem with broken people is they're used to being alone. It doesn't matter what you say, just the things that are shown.

All I wanted was a little of your time. What you failed to realize is everything is a sign. I wish you knew how much you hurt me, to tell me I'm a priority only to patronize me with your empty maybe. Had you just told me no, I would have no expectation; you would have saved me painful anticipation.

I don't know why the universe is punishing me. Without you though, my world now feels so empty. You were irresistible and got me all emotional. Now I'm feeling dumb that I fell for another one; just staring out my window waiting for you to come... but you won't. I know this to be true. Still, I stare out my window, waiting for you.

I want you.

I want you. I want you in my bed tonite; it's where you belong. You're holding me tight, all night, with arms so strong. It just feels right. When you lay beside me, my soul feels free; it's just you and me. I close my eyes, I fly so high into the sky swirling of purple and blue; I'm touching the stars, embracing these moment spent here with you.

I miss you. Every night, I lay here drunk and alone, feeling stoned off the thought of being with you just one more time. I'm trying, but I can't stop from crying. A piece of myself has been stolen from the shelf in my chest: my heart. You have my heart. I beg you, please don't tear it apart. It's been broken before. Shattered, hated, thrown to the floor. Fragile still, I patched it the best I could with sheer will. A will to survive, to thrive in a world so dark and cold. All alone, until I met you.

I need you. I need you to keep me; I'm broken and weeping. I pray for the day you break me. Break me from this pattern of heartache and pain. I feel so insane, but I want to be saved; I want to be brave.. I don't want to run away. Please make me stay; tie my feet to the floor; I don't want to be scared anymore.. Of this feeling.. emotions unfleeting. I'm about to explode, everything inside me exposed... But will you stay? Will you turn your back and walk away?  

I crave you. I have to be near you.. i just want to hear you.. The monsters inside may tempt us to hide, to leave, but still I plead. I implore, together, let's explore the possibilities of what you and me could be..  So please, no more tears or fears. I'll catch you if you fall. My ear is to your wall, listening, waiting for a sign. I promise you, everything will be fine… for my heart is yours and with time, yours will be mine.

My first draft

So, my first writing is not really a writing. This is my introduction.

My name is Danielle. I'm a single gay mom that is posting primarily from my mobile phone, so please forgive me now for errors; I probably won't catch them all on this tiny, cracked screen. I'm 28, I'm a massage therapist, and I play roller derby. Yea!

This blog in particular is a place I want to share my writings, poetry, or whatever you want to call it for some criticism (friendly please. Most of my stuff is from emotional times) and also so people can read it. I'm hoping with some fine tuning and practice I can eventually start writing on a more professional level. I would love to get into song writing, but I've only just recently been working on my rhyming  and format.

So, there isn't much more for me to say. I will probably post little updates about my life status that may help put some history behind the pieces I write. So, here we go. I hope you enjoy my work. If you don't, I'd love to hear what you think I could do to improve it!